Do You Actually Know What You Want? And Why It’s So Important!
Do you actually know what you want? From your life and from your business?
It’s easy to THINK we know what we want but when we get there we realise things aren’t exactly what they’re cracked up to be and we’ve been basing what we’re doing on so many factors, but not really on knowing what WE want.
Or actually pin pointing that at all! We’re usually very clear on what we DON’T want, but are we really clear on what we DO? What we TRULY want!
The irony is that when you focus on what you don’t want, or don’t have yet, then you just get more of that. The stuff you DON’T want and more of the thing you’re trying to move AWAY from.
Focusing on what you don’t want or don’t have yet can also get you feeling pretty down in the dumps. Impatient. Negative. Frustrated.
Not a great place to dwell let’s be honest.
I don’t want…
I’m sure you know plenty about what you DON’T want…but are you actually clear on what you DO?
So often what we THINK we want is just what we think will get us away from what we DON’T want. But that’s not actually what we want, not really.
Still with me?
This is why so many businesses start, based purely on making money doing something you CAN do.
Usually to get out of a job or a situation you don’t want to be in, but then the motivation and passion for that business quickly goes because the focus wasn’t in the right place.
It was based on trying to move away from what you don’t want, rather than REALLY creating what you do.
Where attention goes, energy flows
Then where’s the ENERGY and emotion really?
On what you DON’T want. On getting AWAY from something. And attention, focus and emotion is a powerhouse combination of creating whatever that is.
I’ve talked about this before but the brain basically ignores the word don’t. So, don’t think about a green hippopotamus.
What popped into your head then?
And when you say to your kids ‘Don’t spill your drink’, what tends to happen?
So when you’re saying ‘I don’t want to be poor’ or ‘I don’t want to be in this job anymore’ what are you getting more of?
You’re also collecting even more evidence and creating more action to stay exactly where you don’t want to be.
Your subconscious mind can be so pesky!
Then comes the impatience, the procrastination, the lack of motivation, the frustration.
The most wonderful time of the year
This is a great time of year to start really doing some work around this.
I don’t believe in ‘new years resolutions’ per se (HERE is a previous episode Why you shouldn’t set resolutions) because again, it’s a focus on what you don’t want, not what you do.
I do believe in knowing what you really want and setting goals in a way that works for you to give you focus, a place for your attention and help you make decisions among a TONNE of other reasons. (HERE is another previous episode How to set goals that work for you)
It’s a time to look at what did and didn’t work for you in 2019 and ongoing what is and isn’t working FOR YOU.
It might be working on paper, as in making money, but is it actually what you want?
What do you want more of? What do you want less of?
So how do we turn this around when it’s so easy to get confused?
Now, knowing the ‘don’t wants’ is actually very helpful because it can really help you find what you DO want.
For example, you don’t want to be in a job because you don’t get to spend time with your family, so what you DO want is something that is more flexible so you CAN spend more time with your family.
Cool, then you can explore that. You can use it almost as a pros and cons because the obvious answer isn’t always the obvious answer.
For example you may think you want a business so you can have the freedom to spend time with your family, then end up creating another job which often takes even MORE time.
Because you’ve set it up to move away from what you don’t want rather than setting it up to make sure it’s structured around the REAL thing you want to create.
It may be actually that you’d rather have a combination of a part time job AND a business doing something you love, it really is up to you and all based around what you want.
There’s no judgement to be made either way. It just requires some honesty.
If you know you want your business to be full time, what are your non negotiables in terms of time, money, how you work, who you work with? Really flesh it out to the finest of details.
Don’t get too caught up in being attached to these things because it’s fluid, it will change over time.
Often once you try something out you figure out more of the ‘don’t wants’ along the way…which also means you will figure out more of the ‘dos’.
It’s ok to change your mind, to pivot, and to THINK you want something only to get there and realise it’s not as great as you thought it was going to be.
Good old behavioural flexibility…working this stuff out is a GOOD thing!
It helps you set your boundaries when you have real clarity over what you want.
So when you find a ‘don’t want’ ask yourself what you would prefer instead.
Clarity on what you want keeps you moving towards it.
Both consciously AND unconsciously.
When you’re super clear on where it is you’re heading then your brain will start to work with you to be able to get it.
Knowing what you want helps you make decisions. When you operate from a place of knowing what you want and where you want to be it makes the yeses AND the nos FAR more easy.
You get laser focused and can identify if something is just going to keep you busy or actually be a step closer to where you want to get.
Something to watch out for…
You take action based on what you believe is possible too.
Working out what you want is AMAZING, but there may be some work to do on your unconscious beliefs of what’s possible. Your expectations need to align with your beliefs to make them happen.
This is another reason people can set up businesses they don’t love, because they’re basing it on what they think is POSSIBLE rather than what they really want.
It’s the ‘should’ vs ‘want to’ inner tussle. It’s easy to confuse them. So always ask yourself why you’re doing something.
The ‘shoulds’ also get in the way of knowing what YOU want vs what someone else wants for you, so again, asking yourself the right questions is going to be key here.
Clarity helps you distinguish between what’s going to get you what you want, and what’s just going to be a distraction.
It may look great on paper, but is it actually the right opportunity for you to get where you’re trying to go.
Clarity really helps with filtering out the noise, and shiny object syndrome too.
There’s SO much out there but often the shiny objects come from us not being clear about what we really want, so we jump from thing to thing hoping we’ll find it.
When you KNOW, those things can still be on your radar but you’ll be able to know what to focus on first. For example, taking speaker training when you haven’t actually decided what your business is.
Or Facebook ads before you’ve worked out what you’re selling. All VERY valuable information, but where’s the focus and the priority that will drive you forwards? Probably on working out what your business is and what you’re actually selling right?
Training your brain and your unconscious mind
Being super clear on what you want makes sure you’re training your Reticular activating system in your brain to filter out the right opportunities for you, which is where all those weird little synchronicities start to come up.
Just before you go to bed at night is a GREAT time to essentially ‘instruct’ your unconscious mind with what you want so it will get to work for you while you sleep. So journal, visualise, listen to hypnosis and feed your brain the right programming for getting what you want.
Notice when you ignore what you want because of excuses or stories you’re telling yourself about your abilities or lack of resources.
Any of those ‘reasons’ you’re telling yourself you can’t have it. Those can be challenged, changed, found and dismissed and while they’re there they WILL get in the way of your results!
Watch where your emotions are because they are the fuel to the fire of what you create and focus on in your life.
So what if you’re not 100% sure what you want?
Create a list of ‘money is no object’ things that you want.
You can do this in different areas of your life. A bucket list of things you want to do or achieve essentially.
SO many people have never done this and some surprises may come up…no more waiting!
You can pick some key ones and use these goals on a yearly, monthly, weekly, daily basis if you like!
Imagine how much more you could get done, and how much closer you could be to getting everything you want when you know every day what you’re working towards.
Ask yourself if you were the most confident person, money and time were no option and there were no limitations, what would you do?
What is your ideal day, how can you work your life around steps towards that NOW?
Experiment! Go pick up some ‘potential’ hobbies. You’ll soon find what lights a fire in your belly. This can become your business OR just simply be your creative outlet. Something you love doing purely for the joy of it.
What you search for these days delivers alllll the opportunities to get it.
I mean sometimes it’s terrifying and you feel like Alexa and Facebook are literally in your head BUT on the positive side you can filter out the rubbish fairly quickly and often find the exact thing or person you need because it’s targeted so specifically to your likes and dislikes.
So there’s some food for thought here. Whether you thought you knew what you wanted and created a beast that needs to be tamed. Or you’re still trying to figure out what YOU want really looks like.
The bottom line is, if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it?
Let’s make a deal to let go of some of the ‘shoulds’ and take the focus off the ‘don’t wants’ for 2020 and really shift the focus to what you DO want, so you can flipping create it!!
It’s all yours for the taking.
If you know that now is the time to start changing things for yourself and want to explore this further, have any questions or want some accountability to make sure you’re doing the things you need to then please book in a free discovery call so we can see what needs to happen to get you from where you’re at right now, to the successful business owner you know you can be!!
P.S – Last question…Are you sick of self sabotaging and procrastinating on getting your business going? Would you like to learn some practical strategies to stop you procrastinating WHEN it happens so you can FINALLY get the things you NEED to do DONE? Download my FREE guide below and I’ll show you 5 simple strategies to stop procrastination in its tracks!
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Fran Excell, mindset coach for self sabotaging female entrepreneurs at www.franexcell.com